


Hair Gods

by AsreonInfusion



Category: Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, Pure Crack, Sexual References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-09-25
Packaged: 2018-08-17 05:13:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8131793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AsreonInfusion/pseuds/AsreonInfusion
Summary: In order to maintain his inhumanly fabulous hair, Sephiroth makes annual blood sacrifices to the hair gods.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is exactly the sort of short silly thing I normally wouldn't bother crossposting from Tumblr, but... I feel like we could all a little more humour and crackfic in our lives. xp
> 
> Inspired by this post: https://asksoldiers.tumblr.com/post/150849015823/hey-what-is-sephiroths-haircare-routine-like

“Sir!” The infantryman stood to attention at the door. Although his eyes were covered by the helmet and his head remained immobile, Sephiroth could tell he was glancing around the room, thinking he could do so without notice.

Understandable. It was not exactly a usual scenario for a First Class SOLDIER to summon an infantryman to the bowels of the labs in the Science Department. The room was cold and clinical, and frankly Sephiroth didn’t care for it either, but it was neutral territory and made cleaning the blood up so much easier. And he could always pin any deaths on Hojo if required.

Sephiroth flicked through the infantryman’s file. “It says you are one of the best swordsmen in your division.”

“That is for my CO’s to verify, but… yes, sir.”

“You have shown remarkable improvement in your time in ShinRa. Even an application for the SOLDIER program.”

The infantryman nodded.

“That is good. I used an inferior sacrifice once, a failure even for an infantryman. A poor idea. The tangles that year were horrendous.”

“ _What?_ ”

“You will do well.” Sephiroth replaced the file on the table - the cold, white, clinical table which also happened to incorporate restraints - and picked up Masamune in its place.

“Excuse me?” The infantryman’s voice was hard, his stance turning defensive. Good. A quality sacrifice required spirit.

“Please do not take it personally,” Sephiroth said. “It is merely that the hair gods need appeasing.” He tossed his head, letting the full length of his immaculate locks shine for the stunned young man. “ _This_ is not possible without payment in blood, you understand.”

“No offence, sir, but I really don’t think that’s a thing.” The infantryman sounded nervous, and almost disappointed. He appeared to be backing for the door.

The door was locked.

Sephiroth approached with Masamune in hand. “This will be easier if you don’t resist.”

Unfortunately, the infantryman did resist. When Sephiroth reached for him, the man ducked beneath his arm and shoved a elbow straight into Sephiroth’s solar plexus. Sephiroth grunted in discomfort, and the next time his hand shot out it was with far more force.

Somewhere amongst the scuffling, the infantryman’s helmet was knocked off.

“Oh,” Sephiroth said. The young man was rather pretty when not wearing that monstrous piece of headgear. And his hair… while not as spectacular as Sephiroth’s, of course, it was nonetheless rather something. Gravity-defying, yet - Sephiroth touched it to check - yes, still perfectly soft. 

“How does this happen,” he mused. “Do you also make annual sacrifices to the hair gods?”

“There’s no such thing as hair gods! What are you even talking about?”

Sephiroth withdrew, merely observing. Perhaps…

The young man regathered himself, straightening out his uniform and once more cautiously backing away from the SOLDIER. His eyebrows furrowed. When Sephiroth remained silent and impassive, the infantryman spoke.

“Is this… some kind of joke? I was so fucking excited to meet you, and all the time you just wanted… _this?_ Are you for real? Well? Say something! I– I respected you, I looked up to you!”

“I apologise,” Sephiroth said. “It was… Strife, wasn’t it?”

The infantryman breathed out heavily. “Cloud Strife.”

“Yes. Cloud. I am very sorry for considering using you as a blood sacrifice. It is clear you have also been blessed by the hair gods, and to destroy such a being would be sacrilege.”

“There is _no such thing_ –”

“It is clear another form of offering must be made. The coupling of our blessings will please the gods.”

The infantryman sighed tensely, trying very hard not to let himself be affected by the ludicrousness. “…Can I go?”

Sephiroth moved forward, and with each step he took, Strife moved back in tandem. It was mere moments before Strife had his back against the wall, Sephiroth standing over him. His hand reached out, seemingly to cup Cloud’s face, but he changed trajectory and took a piece of Cloud’s hair between his fingers instead.

“No,” Sephiroth decided.

Cloud’s expression wavered, and he licked his lips. “L-look. I’m not gonna lie, I maybe imagined you pining me against a wall when you summoned me for a private meeting. But this was really not what I had in mind.”

Sephiroth’s other hand lowered to Cloud’s hip, and he moved in closer to trap Cloud with his body. Cloud made a small noise that was oddly like a chocobo chick’s peeping.

“You,” Sephiroth breathed, “are no mere sacrifice. It is clear fate has brought you to me.”

“Why can you not be sane?” Cloud lamented. “You’re so hot, but so messed up.”

“Are you a virgin?”

Cloud sputtered. “Wh-what?” Sephiroth merely looked at him, awaiting Cloud’s answer. “Well… I mean, yes, but–”

“Good. The sacrifice of your virginity will be a powerful offering indeed.”

Cloud stared at Sephiroth for a very long moment, torn. He was so close now that Cloud could feel the heat of his body, and those eyes staring into his made Cloud feel weak at the knees. 

“Oh, gods,” Cloud groaned. “Fine. But if you make even _one_ reference to freakin' hair gods while we’re having sex—”

* * *

Near one year later, Cloud was lounging mostly naked and very well fucked in Sephiroth’s bed. His head rested on Sephiroth’s chest, and he lazily played with his boyfriend’s hair.

“Hey,” Cloud said. “It’s your birthday soon, right?” He pressed a kiss to Sephiroth’s sternum, then another. “You want anything special?”

Sephiroth stared absently at the ceiling. His birthday. That meant… “Yes. I’m going to need to find another sacrifice for the hair gods.”

Cloud screamed and hit Sephiroth with a pillow.


End file.
